So the thing I want to get across here is that there are two failure modes if the relationship is abusive (plus the failure mode where the relationship is fine), and if you swing too far in trying to avoid one you’re going to land right in the other, and hitting either of them results in people being trapped in abusive relationships.
One failure mode is ‘young woman in abusive relationship with older man; people treat this relationship like they’d treat a relationship with fewer red flags; people would have caught that it was abusive if they’d been more alert for red flags; they don’t catch it’.
The other one is ‘young woman in abusive relationship with older man; is told immediately that she’s a young girl who needs protecting from predatory men, tells everyone to fuck off because she’s not a young girl, she’s an adult who can handle her own business. She subsequently feels less able to come forward about things that are bad in the relationship because she feels like her maturity and judgment and worthiness of treatment as an adult are in question.’
I have seen both of these things happen. They do both happen. I have actually seen one happen as an overcorrection to the other.
You do not successfully create an environment in which people can come forward about something not-right in their relationships if you treat them as a young girl it’s your duty to protect. Lots of adult women actually resent being treated as ‘young girls’ who random acquaintances have a duty to protect, and they’ll share less about their relationship if that’s the way people will react. If they know that people will ‘question’ their boyfriend they won’t tell people about their boyfriend. If they know that their relationship will be automatically regarded as suspicious then they may try to downplay causes for suspicion, so that people will respect their autonomy and not argue their relationship with them.
I absolutely believe that there are ways to keep an eye out for red flags such as age gaps while not shaming people who engage in relationships that have those red flags. I’ve argued we need to do that, actually. But saying ‘it’s not about SHAMING people in age-gap relationships, it’s about protecting young girls from predatory men’ (about adult women; you can say that as much as you want if you are talking about actual children) is hitting the same failure mode as shaming – it’s a way of reacting to the relationship which will make people in such relationships open up less, trust your judgment about their relationship less, and feel that they are being infantilized.
Instead: when your friend talks about a relationship which has some red flags, ask questions. Treat your friend as an adult. Point out red flags, neutrally and without exaggerating or overstating your case or calling their partner a predator. “Wow, often when someone in their late 30s wants to exclusively date college students, they’re targeting inexperienced people, do you get that sense?” Affirm their judgment. “If you’re getting a sense something is up, I would trust it.” Remind them of things they’ve said and mentioned previously – “you told me it was really important to you that a guy not be mean when he drinks”. “You said a couple months ago that she promised to stop keeping you up all night when she was mad at you.” If you can, try to maintain a relationship with the person, even if that means you have to stop discussing their partner. “From what you describe, that relationship doesn’t really sound good to me, and it’s upsetting to hear about someone treating you like that – but I still want to hang out Friday, let’s just plan to talk about other stuff.” Remind them that you’ll help them out if they ever want to leave, but don’t remind them of this constantly – the point is for them to have the information, not for you to have a helpful-sounding way of telling them repeatedly that you think they should leave.
You are welcome to privately think that a relationship that has an exceptionally high sketchiness quotient doesn’t get the benefit of the doubt and probably sucks. But if you sweep in to protect people from it, you won’t achieve the things you want. ‘shaming’ might be the wrong word for this failure mode, and I’m open to suggested new words, but I do think the failure mode itself is real and prevalent.
Having a halfway decent relationship with your abusive parent during adulthood is so weird. Its like, “oh mom, you’re so funny and cute! You violated me and made my childhood a living nightmare, causing trauma that I will never recover from, but nowadays you’re just a barrel of laughs!”
Like, its so great bc as parent and child you share a lot of mannerisms and personality traits, you’ve got a lot of in jokes, you just also have the heart wrenching awareness that this person will never, ever apologize for how they have victimized you, or even just admit to it
i’m tired of vaguing about it. watching you people post about and idolize bts is the most irritating thing and even more because i’m black. everyone knows they’re racist. it’s fucking known that the leader has said the n word. it’s known they’ve worn cornrows and have been called cool when we’re called dirty and ghetto. it’s known that they’ve appropriated our culture multiple times. not to mention that photoshoot. and it’s even worse because i know y’all act like they’re all pure n shit (which is a whole other type of racist stereotype) and then turn around and call us scary and ghetto. and on top of this? stop using aave. i’m especially tired of being told i sound like a kpop stan because i use language my community created.
((ok to reblog, don’t add on if you aren’t black))
native american appropriation (theyve also made fun of native american names, but the video has long since been deleted)
also worth mentioning: if you’re nonblack its not your place to “forgive” bts for the thing theyve done. you cant forgive them for any of their antiblack shit because guess what? youre not black. be quiet.
“When even the best plans and organizations fracture, we revert to relationships that go beyond political or social utility. That means relying upon deeper emotional attachments, maybe even a deeper physical attachments. And that goes back to the clusterfuck I just talking about. As much as sex sells, sex seals. Especially in LGB communities. Trans is not a sexual orientation—but lesbian is. Yet, if you have heard that every dyke has gone out with every other dyke, you are probably leaving out trans dykes. It is a rare and secure lesbian who would date one of us, and yes, that is significant.
Within dyke space, sexual and romantic relationships permeate the community, and not being able to comfortably flirt or fuck or laze away at a women’s spa restricts the ability of trans women to participate freely in a group that to a large part is defined by who wants to sleep with whom.
Sex is a mode of communication and acculturation that cannot be separated from social activism, political change, or anything else that queer women are trying to accomplish. Under attack, overworked, stressed, and trying to make rent—in these times, even revolutionaries will reach for the familiar. And until more trans women become part of that familiar, we find ourselves tossed aside in the name of expedience.
Even your dysfunctional ex is a known dysfunction!”
these are just my colored sketches but im not going to be done with this project for two more weeks so im posting these now before it becomes irrelevant
i loved sesame street growing up and i wish there was more representation of lgbt people living regular lives. being gay is often equated with just sex. i wanted to show bert & ernie in their shared domestic life for this assignment.
“What if we read the story of Adam and Eve with different eyes? What if we stop reading it through the lens of popular assumption and allow it to speak in a different way? What if it isn’t an account of punishment for one monumental mistake, but a fable-like wisdom story about humans graduating, evolving from the relatively uncomplicated existence of animal innocence to the messy experience of moral responsibility? What if Adam and Eve didn’t fall? What if they were pushed? What if the voice of God in the story is a poignant warning about what lies ahead for a more highly evolved species than a straight-faced prohibition? What, in short, if we read the story with irony instead of literalism, with a grin rather a grimace, as wisdom instead of dogma?Hard work, sexual intimacy, parenthood, a sense of mortality, the knowledge of good and evil – these are the sort of things that make humans different to other creatures in a positive way. They present challenges and demands, and bring anxieties, but they are also the ultimate source of imagination, creativity, rewarding struggle and achievement. In order for humans to be human, the fruit had to be eaten…Thus the story of Eden is not about paradise lost, but about paradise outgrown.”
— Dave Tomlinson, The Bad Christian’s Manifesto: Reinventing God
They should have cast a Jew for young Magneto and not a domestic abuser
shoulda cast this guy
what are you talking about, who was that kid domestically abusing at age 10?
asdfgjl what is op talking about
op is talking about certified goy michael fassbender (young magneto) dragging his girlfriend (sunawin andrews) alongside their car, blowing out her kneecap and causing an ovarian cyst to burst, and also breaking her nose on a separate occasion which you could have easily found out yourself because google is free
While I think it’s great seeing all the excitement and press coverage about India legalizing gay sex, I think it’s really important to remember that this is NOT India progressing due to Western influence. This is India decolonizing.
The homophobic statute that was overturned is a product of British colonialism in India. Prior to that, India had a rich and vibrant queer community that played important functions in society. There were queer Hindu gods and hijras serve as an example of how queerness in society was venerated. This is not something to patronize India over and congratulate ourselves in the West for. This is a victory for India reclaiming their culture.
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