So the thing I want to get across here is that there are two failure modes if the relationship is abusive (plus the failure mode where the relationship is fine), and if you swing too far in trying to avoid one you’re going to land right in the other, and hitting either of them results in people being trapped in abusive relationships.
One failure mode is ‘young woman in abusive relationship with older man; people treat this relationship like they’d treat a relationship with fewer red flags; people would have caught that it was abusive if they’d been more alert for red flags; they don’t catch it’.
The other one is ‘young woman in abusive relationship with older man; is told immediately that she’s a young girl who needs protecting from predatory men, tells everyone to fuck off because she’s not a young girl, she’s an adult who can handle her own business. She subsequently feels less able to come forward about things that are bad in the relationship because she feels like her maturity and judgment and worthiness of treatment as an adult are in question.’
I have seen both of these things happen. They do both happen. I have actually seen one happen as an overcorrection to the other.
You do not successfully create an environment in which people can come forward about something not-right in their relationships if you treat them as a young girl it’s your duty to protect. Lots of adult women actually resent being treated as ‘young girls’ who random acquaintances have a duty to protect, and they’ll share less about their relationship if that’s the way people will react. If they know that people will ‘question’ their boyfriend they won’t tell people about their boyfriend. If they know that their relationship will be automatically regarded as suspicious then they may try to downplay causes for suspicion, so that people will respect their autonomy and not argue their relationship with them.
I absolutely believe that there are ways to keep an eye out for red flags such as age gaps while not shaming people who engage in relationships that have those red flags. I’ve argued we need to do that, actually. But saying ‘it’s not about SHAMING people in age-gap relationships, it’s about protecting young girls from predatory men’ (about adult women; you can say that as much as you want if you are talking about actual children) is hitting the same failure mode as shaming – it’s a way of reacting to the relationship which will make people in such relationships open up less, trust your judgment about their relationship less, and feel that they are being infantilized.
Instead: when your friend talks about a relationship which has some red flags, ask questions. Treat your friend as an adult. Point out red flags, neutrally and without exaggerating or overstating your case or calling their partner a predator. “Wow, often when someone in their late 30s wants to exclusively date college students, they’re targeting inexperienced people, do you get that sense?” Affirm their judgment. “If you’re getting a sense something is up, I would trust it.” Remind them of things they’ve said and mentioned previously – “you told me it was really important to you that a guy not be mean when he drinks”. “You said a couple months ago that she promised to stop keeping you up all night when she was mad at you.” If you can, try to maintain a relationship with the person, even if that means you have to stop discussing their partner. “From what you describe, that relationship doesn’t really sound good to me, and it’s upsetting to hear about someone treating you like that – but I still want to hang out Friday, let’s just plan to talk about other stuff.” Remind them that you’ll help them out if they ever want to leave, but don’t remind them of this constantly – the point is for them to have the information, not for you to have a helpful-sounding way of telling them repeatedly that you think they should leave.
You are welcome to privately think that a relationship that has an exceptionally high sketchiness quotient doesn’t get the benefit of the doubt and probably sucks. But if you sweep in to protect people from it, you won’t achieve the things you want. ‘shaming’ might be the wrong word for this failure mode, and I’m open to suggested new words, but I do think the failure mode itself is real and prevalent.
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