ten quick and easy ways to be an aro ally (because my previous posts have been about allying in specific ways and/or just said shit like ‘dismantle amatonormativity’ and I appreciate none of you knows what the fuck that means):
- Think critically about how much work you put into your freindships as opposed to your romantic relationships and if necessary (hint: it will be necessary) try for a more even balance. That way you have a better spread out support network and your friends get more of your time and love, which will be especially nice for the aromantics in your life.
- Read up on relationship anarchy! A quick google search will bring up some super interesting articles, and they may also help you to support and better understand the polyam people in your life.
- Aim to see aromanticism as on the same level as importance as other queer identities: include us in pride edits and posts, make aro headcanons along with gay/bi/trans/etc. ones, and when you say LGBT+? mean it, and discuss the + identities just as much as the original acronym.
- Don’t ship aro characters. Doesn’t matter if you think their canonisation was ‘dubious’ or ‘applies in the books but not the films’. This is an area where you have to accept that your alloromantic (that’s our word for non-aromantic!) opinion comes second. Aros need all the rep we can, so it’s disrespectful to ignore even the vaguest of canonisations.
- Listen to aromantics rather than asexuals about aromantic issues. This seems obvious, but unfortunately some alloromantic asexuals present themselves as authorities and may even act like they are exempt from being arophobic (prejudiced against aromantics). The asexual and aromantic communities are close and share some of the same goals, but still don’t speak for each other.
- Try to stop using phrases like ‘just friends’ or ‘more than friends’, as they contribute to aros feeling like our relationships don’t matter. This will also help with steps 1 and 2 as the aim once again is to stop seeing romantic love as ‘better’ than friendship and to start seeing it as ‘different’, but just as beautiful.
- Don’t make fun of our terms even if you think they’re ‘weird’. You may not understand alterous attraction, squishes, or queerplatonic relationships, but that’s not to say you never will and it doesn’t mean you should mock them.
- Think about what content you put on your blog, and even if you think its cute, consider how it might make you feel if you didn’t experience romantic attraction. (ship meta is a good place to apply this step).
- Although some see it as silly, tagging things like ‘kissing’ or having a general ‘romo’ tag, can help aros avoid upsetting content. You might also want to avoid personalised ship tags because they make it harder for us to blacklist the ships. Romance repulsion is serious and it sucks a whole lot.
- Accept criticism if you do something wrong. You probably will at some point, because some things which intuitively seem helpful are not. For instance lots of people like to add to their soulmate AUs that ‘of course, aros have platonic soulmates!’, but that still enforces that we need some kind of ‘other half’ and can be annoying to see. I also saw someone include the aro flag on lgbt valentines day merch and while I guess it was well meaning…. yeah. don’t. Listen if we tell you to stop something, and apply the new knowledge next time.
biggest one for me is the shippping bit. please. if you would be angry with a straight ship for a canon gay character, please don’t ship aro characters.
quick question: what would be the alternative word for “shipping” if you really felt a QPR for an aro character and another person? is there an alternative? or is it best to simply explain that’s how you feel rather than use a term for now.
plus i really feel like i have to contest number 8. it comes from a good place, certainly, but i feel like the trappings of it are covered by the other points and i’m concerned that people might feel it implies more than you intended.
surely if a post is correctly tagged and it doesn’t imply that romantic relationships are the be-all-and-end-all of relationship goals for everyone then you can post any romancey thing you want? it’s important to remember that a lot of romances don’t get all that much celebration and while it’s good to avoid language that implies it’s the best way to live, i don’t think telling people to be wary about fantasising about romances or talking about it being a great thing.
because it is! just as QPRs are great, and just as a friendship network that isn’t exclusive is great. especially within the queer community it’s important to look out for one another and it’s not always possible to cater to everyone simultaneously. like… i feel like i’m explaining this weirdly but a romantic relationships that are frowned upon do deserve a bit of bigging up, you feel?
again i highly doubt you were implying anything like this – but i do think it’s important to ensure lists like this are not interpreted incorrectly and clearing up the language of that point in particular (i felt it was vague – especially since it implied additional action to the other points) would help everyone understand each other better 😀
Tag: f
IM PISINF
literally are people laughing at people making fun of longer lgbt+ acronyms and having a giggle because
yes, op is literally ace exclusionist which, when coupled with taking the piss out of acronyms that are longer than lgbt is kinda fucking important
y’all are mad gullible for this “cringey ace” shit
theenglishmanwithallthebananas:
theenglishmanwithallthebananas:
actually you know what?
new law: if a post mentions aces or aros or qpps or any other aspec terminology, AT ALL, double check that the op isnt an exclusionist dickbag.
so many of these posts have stealth hatred in them. You might not see it because it’s not meant for you. but believe me, we aspecs will get the message.
if you really consider yourself allied with aspecs, the least y’all can do is make sure you aren’t doing aphobes dirty work for them.
actually can yall reblog this cause i am sick and tired of people acting like they have “no opinion” on the ace discourse and then reblogging shit making fun of us. you all allowed that shitty “aphobe blocklist” meme, you all left us high and dry for this entire shitty harassment campaign, staying out of it while watching us be degraded and bullied. you don’t get to say you “don’t have an opinion.”
step the fuck up to the plate fuckers, “don’t reblog shit that’s actively hurting us” is the the BARE FUCKING MINIMUM you can do.
Some stuff to look out for, and explanations for each:
(Terms are bolded, explanations are italicized)
-LGBTPN – (started by exclusionists, but has traveled outside of the group. This term does not necessarily mean that they’re a dick- there’s a good chance they don’t even know it was started by them- but please be cautious anyway)
-anything that involves aces/aros/aroaces and UwU/Tumblr culture/etc. – (a lot of exclusionists like to dress asexuality up like it’s just weird kids around puberty who don’t feel sexual attraction because, well, they’re kids, and like asexuality is a tumblr-exclusive sexuality. They tend to make posts like this to mock ace people because they believe these things- think of a person who says something okay, but with heavy sarcasm that makes the words pointed like a dagger. This is, of course, another instance where you need to check the OP more than anything else, along with whoever reblogged it, since plenty of people make ‘uwu valid’ posts about other sexualities. They’re kind of annoying for other sexualities, yeah, but the reason they’re more harmful for the ace community is because of their belief that aces are a ‘Tumblr special snowflake’ category, along with the ‘aces are the sexuality fandom’ post.)
– Specifically anything that mentions cishet aces/Aros being valid. – (there’s this odd culture in exclusionist circles where they will attempt to be actively harmful to ace peeps, actively campaigning for Ace exclusion, talking about how they’re not real, mentioning aces as ‘Tumblr culture’ and stuff, but also somehow insisting ‘I do think they’re valid, they’re just not LGBT.’ Basically, what they’re doing is saying ‘cishet aces/aros, you’re valid uwu you’re just not real, not LGBT, need to realize you’re harmful, and I want you to die.’- and no, that’s not an exaggeration.)
–Things that mention any variation of ‘Cishets’/‘Hets Can’t Be LGBT.’ – (this can also be against bi/pan/poly people in an opposite-gender relationship, as well as gay or straight trans people. On the surface, it looks like a ‘yeah no fucking shit’ kind of post, but exclusionists of all of these people have a tendency to call everyone Cishets- which, of course, includes het aces, het aros, and Cis aroaces. The reason this is harmful should be clear, but in case it isn’t- bisexuals, pansexuals, and polysexuals are still bi, pan, and poly, even in an opposite sex relationship, straight trans people are still trans, gay trans people are gay and trans, not ‘straight in disguise’, and aces/aros/aroaces are ace/aro/aroace. This line of thought is essentially excluding almost everyone except Cis gays and cis people in same-sex relationships (if the person is a terf, otherwise it would exclude everyone not in a same-sex relationship- including Bisexual, Pansexual, and Polysexual peeps.)
–URLs that mention ‘allo’- (this is a strictly exclusionist thing. Allosexual is a word used by Aces to describe anyone who isn’t ace, and it’s counterpart, Alloromantic, is used by aros to describe those who feel romantic attraction. These words are harmless- the Aro/ace versions of a trans person calling Cis people Cis- but, for whatever reason, they feel that us calling them Allo is somehow attacking them. Because of this, a lot of people will take the word ‘allo’ and put it in their URL, assuming that us calling them allo is like us saying ‘you’re dirty for feeling sexual/romantic attraction.’ Basically, they think of allo as a kind of slur that they’re reclaiming, which is extremely wrong, but w/e. A lot of us have kinda been shamed out of using these terms most of the time, so be cautious of any post mentioning ‘Allo’ nowadays.)
– Userbox Tumblrs and Stimboard/Moodboard tumblrs. – (I have no idea whatsoever as to why this is, but a lot of userbox and Stimboard tumblrs are run by exclusionists. No, this isn’t saying ‘don’t go reblogging userboxes or stimboards’, this is basically more of a ‘if they don’t have a banner that says ‘exclusionists donmt interact’, please check their blogs.’.)
– Pride Icon tumblrs that make icons of characters like Jughead Jones or Todd Chavez with flags that aren’t ace/ Pride Icon Tumblrs who refuse to make icons with the ace flag. (Before you get pissed, especially considering how popular Riverdale has become, these characters are very much ace. Jughead is Aroace. These characters are confirmed, meaning that they, especially Jughead, should not be made with any other flags. Also, the second one should be obvious why.)
That’s all I can think of offhand, feel free to add more.
– ‘Cringe’ posts that focus on aro and/or ace people being (implied as) obnoxious or irrational. – (Humour posts wherein the punchline is how cringey an aro and/or ace person is being and seeing them dragged for it, usually wherein the cringe factor is said person using aspec terminology freely, making jokes about their own identity the equivalent of which y’all would never bat an eyelash at if it were made by a gay person about being gay – or just generally referring to their own identity. Alternatively, posts that make fun of aro/ace people in general being supposedly cringey or unreasonable in defense of their identities with things like suggesting that, uh… aphobes are bad. You’d think that this would be fairly obvious and something that only exclusionists get into in the first place; and yet, the number of times I’ve seen inclusionist ‘allies’ wantonly reblog this nonsense is… too many. Step up, start critiquing the ideas you share and stop pretending like you don’t already know humour is one of the greatest tools of invalidation in the oppressor’s toolbox if you want to have the right to claim that you don’t hate us.)
A recent example of the first form of this is the BBC Sherlock/‘asexual agreement’ post, the meaning behind which would actually be quite obvious for anyone who bothered to consider the asexual perspective for more than 2 secionds before acting on their driving love of making fun of us.
The second form, which correlates more reliably to use by actual exclusionists but that I have still seen in use by purported allies, includes the aforementioned, infamous ‘aphobe blocklist’ meme and jokes like ‘OP is an aphobe’ or ‘[x character/real person] asexual moodboard’ jokes.
Are… are any of you serious?
Just FYI: if you reblog these posts, especially as a person with the education and awareness on oppression dynamics that comes standard in Tumblr culture, you are already aphobic.
This point is hardly a question of ‘not knowing.’ Whether or not you consciously recognised your intent in giving support to these posts as Being Aphobic, I can assume that you were acting on some degree of (latent) aphobia. And if you reblogged them as an aro/ace person, it’s still likely that you have some degree of internalised aphobia that you need to work out.
And hey – if that’s the case, this isn’t the end. We’ve all internalised bigotry in various forms at some point; finding that you’ve continued to do so doesn’t condemn you for life. Not as long as you make an effort to move forward. But make no mistake; it is an issue of bigotry – if you know you wouldn’t do the same with other orientations or minorities, you need to take a good look at what it is that makes us so different to you.
Here’s a great general guide!
This is an absolutely fantastic guide and yes, that end part is correct, if you find yourself laughing at a whole orientation because of one embarrassing person and wouldn’t find a joke with a different minority orientation funny… congratulations, you are being aphobic.
if you would laugh at other orientations then you’re also homophobic, biphobic, etc on top of that of course.
Note also that though there’s been this trend of “cringe culture is dead and was always ableist in its own way”, the mocking of aces and aros for cringe continues…
I’m sure it’s no coincidence that asexuals and aromantics are mocked using the same techniques as anti-autistic ableism too, given there’s a significant proportion of autistic aros/aces/aroaces and the “coding” that aphobes allow us to have (and by that i mean cishet aphobes, i.e. the majority of them) is almost always the same as ableist coding used for austism.
I’m ok. I’m gonna be ok. I’m gonna live a beautiful life and I’ll get to know beautiful people. I will create things of beauty and be surrounded by flowers. And I’ll love myself, and I’ll be soft, I’ll be kind. And I’ll be ok.
India declares freedom of sexual orientation a fundamental right
“India’s Supreme Court has issued a historic ruling confirming the right of the country’s LGBT people to express their sexuality without discrimination.
Judges ruled that sexual orientation is covered under clauses in the Indian Constitution that relate to liberty, despite the Government claiming there was no legal right to privacy.
The ruling paves the way for discriminatory practices against LGBT people to be challenged in the courts.”
I want men to try and imagine going about your day–working, running, hiking, whatever–and not being allowed to wear pants under threats of violence or total social and economic exclusion.
That’s the kind of irrationally violent and controlling behaviour women have been up against.
Also for anyone who thinks it’s easy for women to be gender non conforming because we can wear pants.
The only reason we can is because we fought tooth and nail for the right to! Any rights we take for granted today we’re the result of a prolonged, bitter battle fought by our predecessors for every inch of territory gained. Never forget that.
Title IX (1972) declared that girls could not be required to wear skirts to school.
Women who were United States senators were not allowed to wear trousers on the Senate floor until 1993, after senators Barbara Mikulski and Carol Moseley Braun wore them in protest, which encouraged female staff members to do likewise.
This was never given to us. Women have had to fight just to be able to wear pants. Women who are still alive remember having to wear skirts to school, even in the dead of winter, when it was so cold that just having a layer of tights between them and the elements was downright dangerous. Women who remember not even being allowed to wear pants under their skirts, for no other reason than they were female.
So don’t talk about women wearing pants being gender nonconforming like it’s easy. It’s only less difficult now because your foremothers refused to comply.
My mother spent her entire school career up until high school having to wear skirts, no matter how horrible the New England winters got, because she was forbidden to do otherwise. There were times when the weather was bad where my grandmother kept her home rather than make her walk to and from the bus in a skirt.
They rebroadcast a few old interviews with Mary Tyler Moore, and in them she addressed the pants issue. There was a strict limit on what kind of pants she could wear (hence, always Capri pants, nothing masculine), and to use her words, how much cupping the pants could show. A censor would look at every outfit when she came out on stage, and if the pants cupped her buttocks too much, defining them rather than hiding them, then she had to get another pair.
if you’ve seen the breaking news that trump just signed an executive order today to end the family separation policy here’s some quick info to keep things in perspective
- this doesn’t end the “zero tolerance” policy of prosecuting anyone who crosses the border “illegally”
- the only thing this changes is that going forward, entire families will be detained together while awaiting prosecution
- this offers no solution for freeing the thousands of children currently held in ICE child prisons or any path to reuniting them with their families
- children will still be detained and treated as criminals
- this will likely lead to thousands of families being held in ICE facilities and tent cities that will face the exact same issues of overcrowding, abuse, and inhumane conditions that exist in the child prisons
this is not a victory or a solution. This is the administration trying to cover their asses and avoid any more public outrage. They want people to see this as the end of the news story and go back to their lives. They want people to forget the thousands of children they are still keeping in cages in ICE facilities across the nation. This issue is not over and we cannot stop being outraged until we are given proof that the thousands of kidnapped children are returned to their families, and that the policy of arresting and prosecuting people who cross the border is ended.
Shout out to all your internet friends who are gone.
Those messenger screen names that haven’t logged on in ages, some before detailed profiles were a thing on those services.
Those emails that are long since abandoned, some with domains that no longer exist.
Those online friends you knew years ago and who then helped shaped you in some way, who you just can’t FIND anymore.
Those people who once were, and hopefully still exist IRL, that seem to have no known internet life anymore.
And those who have actually passed on, and their online lives are now a memorial to them.
I miss you all. I hope life is/was kind to you, and maybe one day, we’ll somehow connect again.
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