I’m so sorry you’re being surrounded with pedophilia apologism. I can absolutely explain my thoughts on this.
Pedophilia is a paraphilia, not an orientation.
An orientation describes the gender of those to which one is capable of being attracted. It does not mean that someone is attracted to the idea of a gender, or that they are going to be attracted to anyone of that gender, and orientation does not inherently include sexual attraction (for instance, you can be attracted to someone without being at all interested in sexual intimacy, people of all orientations can have crushes as little kids in purely romantic ways, people of all orientations can be asexual and never be sexually interested in anyone, etc.)
To the contrary, a paraphilia refers to recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors. Paraphilia might include fixation a variety of qualities or concepts, but often involve dehumanization/fetishization (e.g. “teratophilia” sexual desire to people with severe deformities, often based in a dehumanizing perception of them as “monstrous”), as well as nonconsensual or violent behavior (e.g. “zoosadism” being sexually aroused by inflicting pain on animals, or “frotteurism” being sexually aroused by non-consensually rubbing their genitals against strangers).
This distinction is extremely important. Sometimes homophobic pedophilia apologists will bring up that “homosexuality” used to be included in the DSM as a paraphilia and present that fact as a way to either demonize gay people or to defend pedophiles. I want to be extremely clear in that the previous decision to call people’s same gender attraction a paraphilia was a reflection of deeply homophobic views about LGB+ people.
They did so because they reduced our entire personalities into the desire for specific sex acts, and also often depicted us as predatory and seeking out non consenting straight people. If wildly homophobic beliefs were accurate, yeah, that would be a paraphilia, but it’s fucking wildly homophobic and completely inaccurate.
They used that diagnosis to completely demonize us, and to justify various forms of abuse and torture. It was institutionalized homophobia and anyone who uses that as an argument to suggest a bullshit ‘moral relativist’ argument that “anything could be considered a paraphilia, maybe we need to accept everyone, pedophiles are the new gays!!” they are being horrifyingly homophobic and contributing to pedophilia apologism and rape culture and they need to fucking stop.
Pedophilia is a fetishization of abusive control
Pedophilia is intrinsically linked to abuse, and indeed multiple studies have shown correlation between men abusing their spouses and sexually abusing their children.
“Multiple studies have established the high overlap between battering and incest perpetration (Herman, 1981; McCloskey et. al.; Paveza; Sirles and Franke; and Truesdell et. al.). These studies, taken together, indicate that a batterer is about four to six times more likely than a non-batterer to sexually abuse his children. These statistics are in line with studies of batterers’ risk to physically abuse children; the largest study of this kind showed batterers seven times more likely than non-batterers to frequently hit their children (Straus) About half of incest perpetrators also batter the children’s mother (Herman, 1981; Sirles and Franke; Truesdell). A recent major publication on family violence recommended that any history of sexual assaults against the mother be treated as a warning sign of possible sexual or physical abuse of the children (American Psychological Association).”
– The Connection Between Batterers and Child Sexual Abuse Perpetrators
Pedophiles are not attracted to individuals, they are fetishizing and aroused by their projected ideas surrounding innocence, control, power, possession, corruption of innocence, vulnerability, etc. Pedophilia is inherently abusive (yes even for “non offenders”) because abuse stems from abusive values and entitlements.
There is a quote by Lundy Bancroft which, while not specifically about pedophiles, explains the way that abusers understand love, and I think it’s relevant to include, because pedophiles and their apologists will try to depict this as attraction to people when it’s not, it’s fetishization of abusive control over children.
“Another point I wanted to draw your attention to is how the abuser defines love. Part of why I underline this point is because this is one of the areas where abusers have the most success in creating confusion. When he says ‘I really love you’ that’s all about him not about her. The feeling that he has, through his teens and into adulthood, come to identify as love, is not the same feeling that you and I would call love. This is about a very intense desire to own and control somebody. That’s not very related to seeing this person as a human being. It’s much more akin to how you would become attached to a thing. ‘I love you’ means ‘I am so attracted to what I believe you could do for me.’ […] ‘I am so attracted to what you must do for me. What it is your obligation to do for me.’”
They engage with this paraphilia, not because it is an intrinsic part of them, not because they have no control over their own behavior (they do, it’s a choice they’re deciding to make), and not because they’re unable to confront their extremely harmful values and beliefs, but because they’re unwilling to. The same reasons that abusers continue to abuse their partners, the same reasons serial rapists continue to sexually assault others– pedophiles continue to engage in the fantasy or practice of sexually assaulting and abusing children.
Pedophilia is not a disease to be ‘cured’ it is a set of abusive values and practices that we should treat as unacceptable.
The reason that it’s dangerous to assert that pedophilia is a disease is because this mythology (largely created and perpetuated by pedophiles and abusers themselves) contributes to a pedophilia apologist and CSA apologist culture wherein we are expected to extend sympathy to the perpetrators of this violence, and we are expected to forgive them or grant allowances to “non-offending” members because of the false notion that it isn’t their “fault” or that there is no “cure.”
But it’s important to realize that these desires are prompted by their values and their behaviors are chosen, consciously. We need to hold these people accountable. It is not a disease or an orientation or any other excuse that allows pedophiles to insist it’s “out of their control.”
Extensive research with abusers shows us that the only chance there is to “cure” abusers or, more accurately, to get them to stop abusing people, is to give them literally no choice. Abusers need to be held accountable relentlessly. Their abuse must be consistently be considered unacceptable under any circumstances, and they must face consistent consequence for every single transgression.
Within an abuse culture and rape culture like ours, the odds of pedophiles actually being relentlessly held accountable are not great, there are far too many apologists and people willing to protect them from accountability. So for anyone in danger, we need to prioritize getting them away from these people and protecting children. In my opinion, children’s safety will always always always be the immediate priority.
So anyone who is prioritizing trying to “cure” pedophiles and doing so through essentially buying into pedophiles’ own mythos of their abuse being an “orientation” or “illness” is contributing to a culture that harms children. It is actively dangerous to feed into the belief that pedophiles need compassion and understanding for their abuse. Abusers do not deserve compassion for their deep entitlements and toxic values, they deserve condemnation and being held accountable until they are forced to give up their violence.
Archive 