when i said this wouldn’t be fun or like what i usually draw… well. yeah.
this was going to be a larger post about the evolution of my identity… but honestly… that’s not needed for what i need to say.
asexual was the first identity i actively identified with (before that i just assumed i had to be straight). it lead my to the lgbt+ community, and the community helped me explore my romantic orientation and my gender in a safe way. i’ve changed the labels i used several times since then as i learnt more about my feelings and was allowed to explore them. being ace was my gateway to that. that’s something i was proud of.
this pride month, however… i’ve felt nothing but shame. not even just this month, actually. if you’ve followed me here since the beginning of this blog you might remember what the focus was (you can still see it) and you might have seen me talking about “suddenly experiencing sexual attraction”. if you know me in real life i’ve alluded to it too.
but i haven’t. i don’t. i’ve been lying.
like before i discovered my identity, i was forcing my appreciation of how people look to be something sexual when it wasn’t. i’ve been referring to myself more often as “bi” or “queer” rather than biace or ace.
the growing noise in this community surrounding ace (and aro) people has lead me to feel disgusted with myself. i’ve never felt this much shame to be myself. not even before i discovered my orientation or gender.
this pride month felt like something happening in a different world. whenever i saw an ace flag i felt guilty. whenever those “look at this cringey ace response” posts came on my dash i pushed my identity further away.
the more vitriol i see towards ace/aro people, the more i hate the rest of my identity too. i feel more lonely for every aspect of it – particularly being a pre-transition trans bloke. and especially now that im not sure whether im also grey-aro. which i’ve only admitted to one person, and i no longer feel like i have a safe place to explore.
at the beginning of pride month i thought i’d doodle some cute pictures relating to my identity. and when i sat down to do it, i felt sick. i thought of all the people who might happen across it and what they might say. and drawing anything happy right now feels wrong.
my asexuality hasn’t gone away, though i do have a happier relationship with my libido and sexual themes now (i was repulsed, now im pretty neutral on it). but it’s hard to not feel like i have to erase it from my public identity. being aware that i’m doing it is step one to healing but there’s a lot of reasons why this shame will probably stick with me for a while.
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