Asexual stories need to be told, so when BBC3 got in touch and told me that they wanted to cover the UK Asexuality Conference 2018 as part of a documentary on asexuality, I was excited to say the least. I would be speaking on two panels at the conference, providing some representation for Black aromantic asexual women. After coming out publicly as asexual last year, I have tried to use the platform I gained through fashion modelling to raise awareness for asexuality, so this opportunity was a perfect fit.
BBC3 were there from start to finish, filming the diverse display of asexual people I’ve ever seen. There were people from all walks of life – there were married asexuals, asexuals with children, transgender asexuals, Muslim asexuals, asexual people with disabilities, polyamorous asexuals, homoromantic asexuals, aromantic asexuals, teenage asexuals, and older asexuals. You name it, they were welcome and included.
We were filmed as we told our stories, such a powerful array of stories – some rocky, some smooth, but all equally empowering. BBC3 took a group of us aside for an in-depth group interview. The group was predominantly young and white, but it represented different types of asexuality and asexual experiences. But I soon realised that BBC weren’t interested in diverse experiences… They wanted the ‘lonely asexual’ trope.
When we sounded too positive, they were quick to put us in our place. They turned away from those of us who were happily aromantic, or happily in relationships, and drilled the singles for details about how it felt to be an unloved asexual who couldn’t find a partner. It seemed to displease them that some of us had even – god forbid – had sex and not hated every second of it. Quickly, they turned away from a guy who fit that category, rotated the camera to me, and asked, “If you had to have sex, how would that feel?”
“I wouldn’t have sex,” I answered.
“But if you had to, how would it feel?”
How would it feel if I was forced to have sex? Would a hypothetical rape make an aromantic asexual more interesting?
From then on, I sensed that BBC3 had an angle that they were sticking to, but I couldn’t have anticipated the patronising, whitewashed, exclusionary mess that they aired. They intelligently called the documentary, ‘I Don’t Want Sex,’ but what we actually got was, ‘The Undateables: Asexual Edition,’ and I was horrified.
I cringed as the cameras zoomed in on the presence of stuffed toys and action figures in one of the participant’s bedrooms, as if attempting to make her seem child-like. However, that was nothing in comparison to how I felt as an asexual guy was guided into a sex shop to test his levels of discomfort (which was obvious), or as they quizzed a girl on masturbation and vibrators in a room conveniently decorated with sexual images. I rolled my eyes as one of the participants eased an asexual guy through the art of texting a potential romantic interest, like teaching a child to read, and how an asexual girl not speaking to guys in a bar was treated as a cause for concern.
Asexuality is not synonymous with innocence and a lack of social skills, but it seemed like BBC3 didn’t want the public to know that. They also missed the detail that asking asexual people about what they do with their genitals is as inappropriate and invasive as asking as transgender woman whether she still has a penis. It’s an obvious, needless attempt to try and gauge how seriously someone should take another’s asexuality.
I was running out of hope by the time the conference was included in the last five minutes of the show, but I was curious to see what BBC3 had deemed important enough to show. Out of the hours and hours of footage they had of me, they decided to show me wiping my eyes, as if crying at the brief and uninspiring conversation about asexual clothing choices that they decided to air. Only, they knew that I had eyeliner in my eye. We had laughed about it on the day, they had supposedly paused the filming while I had been given a tissue to solve the problem. If I needed any more reason to suspect that the portrayal of asexual happiness was too much to ask for, that was it.
The closing statements of the documentary added insult to injury. “Cute asexuals do exist.” That’s the message that was taken from the conference? When we sat together for over an hour and opened up to BBC3’s cameras like it was some kind of group therapy meeting, I didn’t realise that we were being observed to see which was us were ‘cute’ enough to date. Well, the boys were, at least. It was time to add the old ‘asexual people aren’t good looking’ stereotype to the growing list featured in this documentary.
I am not just upset because BBC3 took an empowering, celebratory experience like the UK Asexuality Conference and tried to turn it into dating show. What bothers me the most about this documentary is the narrow, stereotypical portrayal of asexual people and asexuality – and just in time for Asexual Awareness Week. I know that BBC3 had the opportunity to do better, but they decided not to, even though this documentary could be the first and only time that people see real asexual people on a mainstream platform.
Asexual people aren’t just shy, white, young people who are sad because they can’t get dates. Despite BBC3’s desperate attempts to exclude us, aromantic asexual people exist, asexual people in happy relationships exist, asexual families exist, asexual minorities exist. Asexuality isn’t a new thing that only young people are doing. And asexual people are perfectly capable of living fulfilling, happy, complete lives, whether they date and have sex or not.
This is sick
This shit here is why ace people have a hard time even realizing they’re ace. When your story isn’t told, how are you supposed to find yourself?
This is horrifying. The BBC should be getting into serious trouble for this kind of misrepresentation and abuse. Because that’s what some of this stuff was. Abuse.
However, that was nothing in comparison to how I felt as an asexual guy was guided into a sex shop to test his levels of discomfort (which was obvious), or as they quizzed a girl on masturbation and vibrators in a room conveniently decorated with sexual images.
This is straight-up disrespectful and abusive. Pretty sure it counts as sexual harassment.
July 10th, 1932: Antifaschistische Aktion, better known as Antifa, holds its first rally in Berlin.
July 10th, 2018: The GOP introduces the Unmasking Antifa Act of 2018 in the House, which aims to make antifascist activism punishable by fifteen years in prison.
If you’re not worried, you should be.
if antifa wasn’t a terrorist organization people would actually care.
“In more than 30 years of antifa activity, there has been one confirmed fatality caused by an antifa group member ― in 1993, when a Nazi in Portland, Oregon, was shot during a fight at a gas station. Far-right extremists, by contrast, were responsible for 670 fatalities, 3,053 injuries and 4,420 attacks in the United States from 1990 to 2012, according to a report from the Combating Terrorism Center at West Point.”
“40 is good, 50 is great, 60 is fab, and 70 is fucking awesome!” ~ Helen Mirren 💪🏻
missed some greats!
I can’t believe Julie Andrews is not on this list guys.
“It’s fucking outrageous. It’s ridiculous. And ’twas ever thus. We all watched James Bond as he got more and more geriatric, and his girlfriends got younger and younger. It’s so annoying.” – Helen Mirren on the bullshit that is (sexist) ageism (source)
Whenever you need a positive role model to help you remember that aging is NATURAL, aging is BEAUTIFUL, there is NOTHING WRONG with aging, and if you’re LUCKY will you live long enough to experience it – look long and hard at every single one of these these Queens.
LOOK. AT. THEM.
Go ladies!
Might I add
Rekha
Hema Malini
Shabana Azmi
Asha Parekh
Rita Moreno
Many women have talked about how amazing life is after your 40s. Some have their happiest years in their 70s. We need to stop believing society when it tells us our lives are over when we reach 35.
if your gf/bf has anxiety u need to be fuckin patient lmao don’t freak out on them because it’ll make it so much worse
Also just a reminder that anxiety doesn’t always present as a rocking-in-the-corner-uncontrollably-crying episode of paranoia or despair, it can also present as:
Agitation or short temper, lack of patience
Insomnia
Upset stomach
Repetitive motions, redoing things you’ve already done, obsessing over specific things
Physical tenseness (back and shoulder pains are VERY common)
Feelings of physical weakness and exhaustion
P l e a s e take the time to understand how your partners experiences anxiety and do some homework on how you can best help them. While we have a responsibility to communicate our needs, it is so massively helpful and comforting when our partners put effort in to understand us and understand how they can effectively assist us in episodes when we might not be able to clearly convey our needs in the moment.
This applies to friends too. These are your people, look after them
I am thankful for the Native Americans who continue fight for their rights and their land and refuse to abide by the societal expectations of pretending nothing terrible happened to their ancestors on this holiday
Ask yourself why you do what you do. Why do you react that way…? Why do you withdraw or want to fight or throw yourself into anything else when faced with stress? Why do you feel the desire to fall back on behaviors & patterns you want to move from when you’re met with a certain situation? You can identify the root, but then you have to pull it. You can get caught up in trying to identify and find the source of your suffering and think when you’ve found it you’re done. Once you find the source & put your attention on it, it begins to dissipate. When you sit with it and work to understand what it’s trying to teach you it dissolves even more. This isn’t a one time process, you can return again and again to the same root source before it’s been dissolved and released. So be patient but continue to examine your actions & speech for self-understanding.
if you don’t have access to poorly-secured and un-backed-up debt records, you can help do this via legitimate means by donating to rollingjubilee.org– they buy debt (the way debt collectors do, for steeply discounted prices – like $20 to buy $500 in outstanding debt owed by someone) and just… forgive it, so it doesn’t need to be paid by the person on whom it’s a burden.
The Rolling Jubilee is no longer accepting donations, they’ve moved their operations to https://debtcollective.org/ which looks like somewhat of a broader project for collective action and education
I think a lot of us around here know the struggle to be happier with our bodies without plunging into unhealthy-doomed-to-fail-diets. So, as someone who has gotten to a pretty good place over the last 10 years since leaving the hellhole that is high school, some tips. Not all of these will work for you, but theeu did work for me. Some strategies to try:
1. Find things you have easy control over and enjoy the hell out of it. Hair color, tattoos, sparkly nails. Enjoy the parts of your look that are easy to control. I never loved my upper arms until I covered them in flowers.
2. Stop doing stuff that makes you miserable or stressed just because you are “supposed to”. For me, that was shaving. Hated it. Made me anxious. Stopped doing it. It helped a lot. No one has ever burst into flames because I have armpit hair.
3. Buy a kickass jacket. Now you look awesome no matter what. This also works for boots and very loud jewelry.
4. Find some self care routines that are easy and make you feel good. I recommend some face lotion with low spf in the morning and some multivitimans and moisturizing wipes for before bed.
5. In the morning when you get dressed, look in the mirror and compliment yourself. You look awesome, bad ass, adorable, cute as fuck. This might feel like a lie at first. One day, it wont.
6. Absolutely stop counting calories. This is not helpful. Not only does it make eating stressful, it isnt doing anything for your health. Calories are meaningless. 100 calories of spinach and 100 calories of rice and 100 calories of chicken are all very different nutritionally, both good and bad. Foods dont exist on a good/bad binary and no single number is going to help you be healthy. (In general, minimize carbs and sugar. Maximize protein and leafy veggies. But its ok to splurge. Food should bring you joy. FOOD SHOULD BRING YOU JOY.)
7. Find a fitness goal that doesnt involve your weight. Exercising feels good and can help with body image, but not if you end every session by stepping on a scale. I’m training to hike the grand canyon. I need endurance amd muscle mass. My weight literally doesnt matter for that.
8. If you are getting ready for your day and you start to second guess your outfit- repeat after me “I am not obligated to look perfect all the time. It’s ok for me to be comfortable. I don’t owe anyone my looks.” The world won’t end if you go to Target without looking fuckable enough. Its ok. Most people really wont give a shit, and those who would be upset by how a stranger looks in public are gross weirdos.
9. Clothes shopping sucks because ready made clothes are meant to look good on hangers, not on human bodies. Take your time, dont blame yourself for the clothes sucking, dont feel obligated to buy clothes that dont look good because you WANT them to look good.
10. Sometimes what you need is a big glass of water and a good stretch. Back bend, toe touch, torso twist. No joke, look up some easy yoga moves. Let your body breathe.
My final note is this: dont judge yourself by pictures and selfies and scales. Its impossible to take a good photo of the moon or a rainbow on your cellphone. Some beauty can not be captured by still images. You don’t owe the world your beauty. Your body doesnt need to be curated for others. Its your home. Its the only place you get to live. Its no ones but yours. Snuggle into it, paint the walls, find your peace there.
I really like that most of the notes are people talking about the specific jacket/boots/outfit that makes them feel good. Lol
I will reblog this EVERY GODDAMN TIME so people can understand how the US government taking more and more land from Natives is nothing new (even the land originally promised after being kicked off their original, sacred lands) and they NEED to be fucking stopped. They need to be held accountable for the destruction of our people not just then but also now.
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